It’s always amazing to me how easily the negative soundtrack plays in my mind. Over and over.
I actually contemplated not posting any more. I constantly thought about how other’s may receive this content. I heard myself speculate “She’s weak”, “Why is she whining?”, “It could be worse you should be grateful”. I recently had a friend send me this video and even though incredibly funny, it gave me some perspective.
The perspective is, this blog isn’t here for anyone but myself. While I’m sharing it publicly, it really isn’t for anyone. I decided to leverage this forum to get it out of my head and written down to release it from being bottled up. It’s been a constant battle to overcome the scrutiny I put myself under. Every failure feels critical, every victory insignificant.
Changing this mind process is one I’ve yet to overcome. It’s impacted almost every area of my life from sleep and health to work and family.
I’ve been fortunate to have friends who’ve reached out and have always been there. This brings on a whole different set of panic. I’ve never wanted to be a burden and that’s exactly what I’ve turned into. There are so many people I care about that carry their own burdens and worrying about mine is a situation I’ve never wanted to create. The cycle is vicious, it’s relentless, and I can’t seem to find a way out. Each encounter creates its own cycle and I feel trapped by my own mind.
I have the honor to be your Obedient Servant,